Vetting

​Text published on 01/09/2020 by Pavese  and reproduced here as is but translated from French to English.

 

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Before buying an Icelandic cedar chair on Conforama, we always look at the reviews. It's normal: we pay attention to our money. But in the French-speaking world of shibari, we rarely look at reviews before starting with someone. However, it is not our money that is at stake in these situations, but our body, our mind, often even our life.

By “looking at the reviews”, I mean here “ gauging the confidence that we can place in a potential partner ”, a process which in English is called “vetting”. In the shibari world that I frequent, vetting is not very widespread. This also applies to my close circle: almost none of my partners vetted me before doing ropes with me, and I didn't always do it myself. Frankly, it wouldn't be a luxury if we all did it.

As French-speaking resources on vetting are rare, and those in English often leave something to be desired, I thought it might be good to write a mini-guide on the subject. My hope is that this practice becomes a little more the norm, because we would all benefit from it and it would make the environment safer . And then like that, I can take advantage of this article to exorcise my obsession with cheesy French singers from the 1980s.

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Lose old habits

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The problem with vetting is that there are a whole bunch of false leads that can lead people to think that yes, they have indeed assessed the risks before playing with a stranger. Actions like:

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• Looking at the photos published by the person : this is the first thing we all do to gauge a potential partner on the Internet, right? And it's not a bad idea - unless we try to deduce the technical level of the person or their dangerousness.
  The photos lack context, they fail to specify that the model may have been traumatized by the session, or that the tyer had received outside help to tie.

• Evaluate the person's popularity on the Internet : if they have plenty of Facebook friends (including mutual friends, whose presence in the friends list n does not necessarily amount to a recommendation), that she is very followed on Fetlife or that she receives lots of likes on Insta, we quickly tend to conclude that she is appreciated, and therefore that she does not pose a danger . One of the problems with this idea is that a person on the Internet can be followed everywhere and build an international network of people who have never met them in person.
  The ultra-high-flyer from Besançon who catches your eye may have huge success with each of his posts, but if that's true, it's just because he's made a name for himself in Bolivia and Kurdistan. It would be much more interesting to see how it is perceived in the pearl of Doubs (that's the nickname of Besançon. What do you mean?).

• Ask mutual friends their opinion : if they have never played with the person, they will only be able to determine if the person seems safe. It doesn't really help you know if she really is (although in the case of friends who say “very bad idea, don't go near him/her”, you have to take this into account) . You may also have seen friends of yours, very respectable people, making ropes with the person in question, but you still have to go and discuss it with them. You don't know if everything really went well during these sessions, or if the model has no regrets today.

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The corollary of all this is that if you are ever asked what you think of someone, answer honestly, but specify that you have no experience with this person , otherwise, for a little If you say that there is nothing to report, you risk appearing to give a green light when you are only expressing a hunch. It is very important that your interlocutor understands that you do not have first-hand information to give them.

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Go get the info

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Instead of using all of the pseudo-methods above, one can engage in a simple technique to vet someone safely: talking to people . No, no, stay, it will go well, I assure you, we can even do it via the Internet to make it less painful.

By vetting (yes, it's a verb now) someone, we seek to know if this person has behaved well with their former partners: if they are attentive, respectful of each person's limits · e, does not hide bad intentions and sticks to practices at her level (if she tries to hang you by the navel while she is starting the ropes, that's no).

Fortunately, there are people who have all this information: the former partners in question.

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• Case no. 1 : you know the person’s partners directly. Congratulations, it looks easy. Simply send them a message (see below for content), collect several reviews and voilà, you have a better idea – informed by first-hand opinions – of who you want to vet. While it is useful to discuss both with the person's present and past partners, pay particular attention to those who no longer practice with them: they are the ones who will be the more able to have perspective, or even to escape from a logic of manipulation in the most dangerous cases.

• Case no. 2 : you don't know the person's partners (present or past), fortunately, said person posts photos of their sessions on the Internet. All you have to do is contact the people in the photos to ask their opinion, and that's it. If possible, do not only contact the partners who are most frequently photographed: you have to interview them, of course, but the case of people who only appear once or twice is just as interesting. What if they hadn't come back because it went wrong?

• Case no. 3 : you don't know any of the person's partners (present or past), and there are no leads to explore on the Internet. There, things get tough. The most commonly recommended practice in these cases is to contact the person directly to “ask for references”, i.e. to ask them to provide a list of people to contact.
  I don't like this method, because even the worst scoundrel will always know how to give you three names of friends who have nothing but good things to say about him. Or the names of his teachers, obviously enthusiastic. It remains a useful approach, because we can sometimes give you enlightening information about the person or their character traits. Still, the best thing here is to refer to an association or a ropes place in the same region, in the hope that they will be able to direct you to present or past partners of the person .

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Beware of the stars

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The usefulness of vetting is not limited to your potential rope partners, but also to your teachers or event organizers : it is not because someone offers lessons or enjoys from a position of authority in the environment that this person is not dangerous. As a general rule, on the contrary, we must be even more suspicious of people who have power: we tend to unconsciously put them on a pedestal (authority bias) and they themselves are likely to be intoxicated by their power. .

Every year, the shibari world invariably becomes aware of new, very well-known and experienced tyers who have gone beyond the consent of their models. The risk therefore also exists in the case of celebrities.

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What to start with ?

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Most of the time, you don't necessarily have to ask specific questions to get a good result from your interlocutors. A very simple message is enough: “ Hello, we don't know each other but I would like to contact you because I learned that you had already done ropes with Daniel Balavoine and I am thinking of doing a session with him. I first wanted to know if you would be willing to answer a few questions about him. Do you agree that we talk about it? ”

If you don't vet Daniel Balavoine, don't forget to replace his name with the appropriate one, for example Jean-Jacques Goldman or Julien Clerc.

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In this example, you remain very vague and at a good distance, a way of kindly showing your interlocutor that she can choose not to answer you and that you will respect her choice. If they tell you that you can continue, most often it is enough to start with a general question , such as “do you recommend this person?”. Stretching out a pole, so to speak. It is then up to the person to enter it to give you their positive, negative or neutral impressions (or not to respond to you: it is their right – do not insist in any case).

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What questions to ask?

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Sometimes a vague question is not enough. We may need to ask more specific questions , for example because we are concerned about specific themes or we are considering a session in a particular context (workshop, erotic shooting or not, ropes with sex or not…).

In these cases, nothing prevents continuing the discussion with questions, but they can quickly touch on the intimate and, in certain cases, relate to traumas which should not be rekindled without warning in your interlocutor. trice. Before discussing more sensitive or detailed topics, first send a message to obtain permission to “ask questions on specific points of your practice”, for example. Know how to remain kind and attentive in your discussions and accept that you may be told “no” or “stop” at some point.

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Once this step is completed, you can dig into certain topics, for example with questions that look like:

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• Was Daniel Balavoine 100% respectful of your limits?

• Did he have any inappropriate intentions or remarks?

• Did he insist on practices you weren't comfortable with?

• Did he master everything he did, or did he have practices that were too ambitious for his level?

• How did he react to possible refusals, safewords or complaints from you?

• Did he keep in touch after the session to check that you were okay in the days that followed?

• How did he survive this terrible helicopter crash on January 14, 1986?

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Sometimes, valuable information emerges thanks to questions that do not relate to aspects related to security, as @fairydance showed in a comment (posted after the publication of this text) which I reproduce here:

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“It can be interesting to not only ask if someone is 'safe' or dangerous, but also 'is there anything that would be good to know?' or 'for what interest in the ropes would you recommend this person?' or 'what are its special qualities? Does she have any weaknesses I should know about?'

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No one is great at all aspects of ropes, communication, consent. For one it is the somewhat fallible memory that must be taken into account, for the other it is their desire to please everyone, or a person is rather interested in making ropes very difficult for the model's body which may not be good for the model who is vetting, or someone is great for an intense session but probably isn't not ready to form emotional bonds or even have more interaction after the session than a quick check-in, etc.

All of this does not (necessarily) make the person dangerous or bad, but it is still useful to know before making the decision to tie up with the person.”

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Finally, note that people who agree to give time and energy to help vet do so out of altruism, to prevent people from putting themselves in danger. Maintain the confidentiality of your discussions and do not betray their trust by taking advantage of having established contact to hold their leg.

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To finish

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If you still have doubts about someone, even after going through a rigorous vetting process that only results in positives, then the wisest course is not to practice with that person. When your gut tells you “no,” trust it – and when it tells you “yes,” don’t settle for it . Think of Balavoine, who also undoubtedly had a good feeling when he got into the helicopter.

Having vetted someone successfully does not preclude you from following other rules of caution , such as practicing at a public event the first few times, having a trusted person accompany you, or sticking to guidelines. less intense practices at the beginning. It is not because a person has never attacked anyone that they will never do so: vetting only allows, in theory, to reduce the risks

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tl;dr : always contact the present or past partners of the people with whom you are going to rope, do not just rely on a good first impression, on photos or on the optimistic opinion of people who have not practiced with the people in question.

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Read more

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For more information, or to delve deeper into the subject of vetting without allusions to French singers (even if it's a shame), you can consult these different links.

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About vetting:

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• A guide from Clover called “Rope Bondage References” on questions to ask when vetting.

• A second writing from Clover with the enticing title, “Evaluating your Rigger!” (in English), which discusses in depth how to vet a rigger.

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About the new rope partners:

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• The Topologist .pdf (in English) which brings together all his advice on good reflexes to have in the event of a new partner.

• An article from Guilty (in English) which gives ideas for continuing to meet a rigger face-to-face, just before a session.

• Stefanos & Shay's concise guide to negotiation (in English), to remember that having vetted your partner well does not exempt you from negotiating well before the session.

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About the models specifically:

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• Clover's famous, exciting and comprehensive Rope Bottom Guide (in English and French!), which briefly covers vetting and is a valuable resource for all models.

• An article by Saara Rei entitled “Better Bottoming” (in English) on, among other things, the thought to be given to models before asking someone to tie them up.

• The Rope Bottoms Share Group a group open only to rope models, which allows the exchange and circulation of testimonials on riggers. Strong North American prism, but with an international vocation.

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I would like to thank @EtoileAbsinthe , @Sixtine and @Dragonyaku for helping me reread, modify and improve this text. You are great. <3